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Monday, September 13, 2010

Riding the Wave

Pin It I've been riding a wave for quite some time now. It tosses me up to its crest for days of positivity and then rips me back into an anxious, despairing trough. I can see the shore in the distance, sunshine glinting on a white sand beach, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't quite get there. For every stroke I make, there's a counter-tug of the current that pulls me back.

It has sucked.

I've wanted to plant my feet on that sand so badly for so long that I've been consumed by it. My yearning has been so single-minded that I've avoided or neglected many other aspects of my normal self. I couldn't think about other things. There just wasn't enough room in my ocean.

Don't get me wrong. I've taken care of business. I've paid the bills, put supper on the table, tended to the children, washed the clothes, cleaned the toilets...I've tried to distract myself with soccer practices and Youth meetings and a new meatloaf recipe, but a part of me--some would say the most significant part of me--was off riding a wave. Wondering if this would finally be my time to land, all briny and flushed with exhausted triumph, on that beach.

I'm finally there: two beautiful pink lines on a pee stick.

Some of you, that remember http://hintonrae.wordpress.com/2010/04/03/beauty-from-ashes/ , are probably wondering what the heck happened. Why have I been yearning after a baby all this time, when I made this decision to shut the door on that? That's a long story, and really the only one I've been able to write much on in the past several months. It's where my heart has been, plain and simple. I'll post a bit at a time, once I've done a little editing, to my own blog. To be very brief, I never really felt as though giving up was what the Lord wanted me to do in this situation. I prayed ceaselessly for wisdom for both Duane and myself, and ultimately Duane ended up agreeing to give me a little more time. Rather grudgingly, but still... My two pink lines are a testament to God's faithfulness.

12 comments:

diane rene said...

congratulations, Lori! I'm so happy for you :)

mistyc0x said...

okay i cried. lori. i look forward to hearing more.

i love who you are.

thank God for women who work with Him. and you work. baby you work.

kiss kiss.

Gerb said...

LORI!! Why are we not real life friends? Because I need your phone number!! I am so unbelievably, ecstatically happy for you. I have so many questions, but I will be patient. This totally made me cry and made my day.

Corine said...

Lori - CONGRATULATIONS!!!! :D THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE BEST NEWS EVER! :D I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I know you will be dreaming and talking (and maybe blogging) about the baby moving, Dr appointments, listening to the baby's heart, wondering if it is a boy or a girl ect... :) ~ I am so totally happy for you! What a fabulous adventure. :D

Richard & Natalie said...

CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS!!!

I am teary and so very happy for you. This is the note I'm going to bed on. Woo HOO! Lori's got 2 pink lines!

Lori said...

Awww. Yall have started my day off so beautifully. You are all such good, sweet [if a little long-distance] friends.
Diane &Nat--thanks for the congrats and good feelings floating this way.

Misty--that's one of the nicest things anyone can say to me. Ever. You see my heart.

Gerb--I'll email it. ;)

Corine--yall are going to be SOOOOO sick of baby posts. You're going to be puking right along with me, I promise.

I've posted the first couple chapters of the story I've been writing during the past several months (I have been writing--just not blogging!) on my blog. I think I started writing it either before or after I went to Italy. It's currently a "sidebar page" called Crazytown. ("Pages" are easier to keep in chrono order than simple posts.) I'll probably add to it each week.

Happy reading.

Anaise said...

I am, quite simply, delighted.

I actually got the chills as I realized what you were saying. I think your faith (and your husband's) are a light and joy.

I wish you joy, joy, joy!!!

Rachel said...

LORI!!!! Congratulations!! I am so excited for you. I'd reach out and give you a huge hug right now if you didn't live so far away. Consider yourself hugged as I jump up and down in excitement for you! Wow.....

Cee said...

YES YES YES!!! I'm so happy for you!!! Can't wait to read the chapters! It will be epic, no doubt!

Teachinfourth said...

I hope it's another Lawson…that kid kills me.

Congrats to you, Lori.

Lori said...

Anaise--thank you. That means a lot.

Rachel--I feel soooo hugged--so wonderful!

Cee-- ;) thanks! I knew you'd be excited.

Jason--thanks. I'm pretty sure he's one of a kind, but believe me, I would not complain about a mini-Lawson.

Linn said...

So, so, so, so, so happy for you! I'm crying as I type this. Like Gerb, wish I knew you in person so I could call and scream in delight. Happy, happy day!!

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