Riding the Wave

Pin It I've been riding a wave for quite some time now. It tosses me up to its crest for days of positivity and then rips me back into an anxious, despairing trough. I can see the shore in the distance, sunshine glinting on a white sand beach, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't quite get there. For every stroke I make, there's a counter-tug of the current that pulls me back.

It has sucked.

I've wanted to plant my feet on that sand so badly for so long that I've been consumed by it. My yearning has been so single-minded that I've avoided or neglected many other aspects of my normal self. I couldn't think about other things. There just wasn't enough room in my ocean.

Don't get me wrong. I've taken care of business. I've paid the bills, put supper on the table, tended to the children, washed the clothes, cleaned the toilets...I've tried to distract myself with soccer practices and Youth meetings and a new meatloaf recipe, but a part of me--some would say the most significant part of me--was off riding a wave. Wondering if this would finally be my time to land, all briny and flushed with exhausted triumph, on that beach.

I'm finally there: two beautiful pink lines on a pee stick.

Some of you, that remember http://hintonrae.wordpress.com/2010/04/03/beauty-from-ashes/ , are probably wondering what the heck happened. Why have I been yearning after a baby all this time, when I made this decision to shut the door on that? That's a long story, and really the only one I've been able to write much on in the past several months. It's where my heart has been, plain and simple. I'll post a bit at a time, once I've done a little editing, to my own blog. To be very brief, I never really felt as though giving up was what the Lord wanted me to do in this situation. I prayed ceaselessly for wisdom for both Duane and myself, and ultimately Duane ended up agreeing to give me a little more time. Rather grudgingly, but still... My two pink lines are a testament to God's faithfulness.