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Monday, July 5, 2010

Detox Her Quick, She's Gonna Blow

Pin It Sugar. Caffeine. Fat. Does anybody know what these things do to a woman's body? I can tell you what they do to mine. They provide it with peace, comfort, and the ability to move through the day without wanting to kick a tree stump until my toe is bloody.

I'm just saying.

I really kind of wanted to kick that tree stump instead of writing this blog post this morning, because that's the kind of mood no sugar and no caffeine put me in after a night of insomnia and restless legs, but I opted for a yet more therapeutic means of expressing myself. I want a Coke. Or even a glass of SWEETENED ICED TEA. Instead, I am writing a blog and sticking to this super delicious mango-peach green tea, along with other assorted choices such as water with mint, lemon, and cucumber, multi-grain pita chips that are hard as the rocks that line my flower bed, veggie-soy-black bean burgers (they're actually pretty tasty), assorted fruit and leafy green vegetables, and an impossible list of "no's." NO sugar, NO caffeine, NO dairy, NO refined white flour, NO salt...and lots of others that I don't remember until I get hungry and open the refrigerator or cabinet door.

Oh, wait. I'm kind of hungry all.the.time.

It's called Clean Eating, and it kind of stinks.

To make it worse, I'm really bad at it. I cheat. For instance, I put a pat of butter on my sweet potato last night, because as I looked at it, sitting all forlorn on my plate beside my grilled pork tenderloin, I just couldn't convince myself that I could actually eat it without butter and enjoy it. So I skimmed a tiny, transparent slice of butter and settled it into the folds of potato. "It's roughly a fourth of what you normally put on there." I told myself, licking the tip of my finger. "You can be a heathen next time."

How on earth do people actually eat like this? It's so...hard!

I attempt the ascent into Clean Eating every now and then, when I am seized by the conviction that my Southern upbringing has ill-prepared me for anything remotely resembling long-term health. Southern cooking, after all, bears the hallmarks of all that is both right and wrong with the belly: sugar, butter, brown sugar, lard, cheese, flour, butter (oh...already said that, didn't I? well, some recipes call for it twice), mayonnaise, eggs, milk, bacon...just take a look at a few Paula Deen recipes if you're not convinced and you'll see what I'm talking about.

To eat cleanly is the almost comical antithesis of eating southern. For example--many of us have gardens and we eat vegetables. We usually take those vegetables and "cook them down," though, in salt, pepper, a little sugar, and...wait for it...butter until they're nice and soft. Examples: butter beans (limas), squash, stewed tomatoes, pole beans, and virtually every type of the ubiquitous vegetable casserole known to man. So, where eating cleanly is concerned...there's a learning curve that goes along with that whole sugar/caffeine/bad junk detox process.

I'm hoping that by next week I'll be sans headaches and random spasms brought on my Coca-Cola and sweet tea cravings. In the meantime, I'm just going to go eat another stinking banana, because I am positive that that will make everything much, much better.


Sue said...

I struggle with the same thing, but I have to admit that when I eat right, I actually do feel better.

Which makes it very difficult to explain why I always revert to not eating right.

I think I have food issues.


PMC said...

oh lori. we really need to hang out. like, seriously.


we need to discuss this over a slice of cheesecake factory cheesecake.

WHY WHY WHY does food have to be such an issue?????

(i am now throwing my hands into my hair and jumping up and down like a crazy person)

YogaSavy said...

After every meal I include couple of mugs of green tea to drink after each meal. I drink it also through out the day.
It helps in cleansing the system.

Anaise said...

I'm working on removing refined sugars from our world . . . it's pretty hard . . . I feel your pain.

Chrissy said...

It's actually not hard... Its become a way of life... If u think of all the crap that is added to foods, and the effects, its not worth eating it ..at least that's how I feel.. And the trick is NOT to deprive yourself- once a week slathering on the butter is not gonna kill ya... moderation... Just thinking about all the processed things and additives makes me ralf.. Look at the kids- obesity is starting w/them... For me that's enough of a reason to eat better.

Chrissy said...

btw, butter isn't the only thing u can add to flavor things.. fresh herbs, spices, lemon....

Anonymous said...

Good for you! I'm off the caffeine for over 3 months now (minus 3 cheating dr. peppers), and I feel much better. The headaches do go away. But I only gave up caffeine. Giving up dairy, I'm pretty sure would be impossible for me. Literally. As for butter, I'm a smart balance girl now, and I'm fine with that. Of course, butter and I do have our romantic weeks together when I go home to visit mom and dad for any holiday. C'mon, Labor Day!

Stef said...

Everything tastes better with butter. EVERYTHING. And cheese. So I feel your pain, baby!
Now, if someone would invent a butter cheese diet, I would be there in a heartbeat....

Teachinfourth said...

I'm with Chrissy…moderation is the key. When we deprive ourselves of what we love to eat, we tend to fall back into the same patterns we had before and give up on any type of 'healthy eating.'

By moderating what it is we eat, we usually don't feel deprived and a new way of eating comes into play with more chances of actually sticking.

And butter IS simply amazing...

Lori said...


Sue--let's have food issues together...sounds like we have the same one.

Misty--cheesecake.factory.cheesecake. You just had to say it, didn't you? We'd be really bad in close proximity to each other, babe.

Yoga--I'm actually really starting to like this green tea stuff. I'm glad it's good for me.

Anaise--it's tough, isn't it? They're hidden in everything, especially anything designed for a kid's consumption. Good luck, momma!

Chrissy--you're right--it is a way of life. The hard part is changing the way of life that you've become so inured to over the past 30+ years. Small steps, though, as with anything. Part of my "kick myself in the tail" approach is due to a food allergy suspicion...I'm thinking it might truly be easier just to go to the dr and get some skin testing done, though.

Ah, Leslie--enjoy Labor Day weekend! I love those Mom-vacations when I get a return to all things cozy. I'll think of you and your butter in September. ;)

Stef--serious...although I think that might be that low-carb thing...just add red meat and eggs.

Jason--moderation is beautiful, except when you're detoxing and searching for a food allergy. Then you have to go all out. I think I might just go the dr route, though, cause this is no fun, and food should be fun. Moderate, but fun. ;)

Mel said...

That's right sister - peace and comfort!

Lori said...

Mel--really appreciating some peace and comfort right about now. ;)

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