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Friday, June 3, 2011

I Love You. Please Go To Sleep.

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Dear. God.

And I don't mean that in the irreverent "OMG!" sort of way, but rather a prayerful, on-my-knees sort of way.

It's been nearly three weeks since Truitt was born. I haven't had a nap since the Tuesday after I came home, which would be...let's see...precisely ten days ago. Do you realize what ten days with no nap feels like when your child does not sleep at night? He alternately smiles (and I am thoroughly convinced it is not gas, but a precocious sense of the absurd), coos, fusses, screams, guzzles milk, poops, pees, blinks, watches CMT, sticks his hand down my shirt to grope me, and pees or poops some more, necessitating another diaper change. This is usually around the time he falls asleep, naturally. All of this generally occurs over the course of a two hour span of time, two to three times per night.

I can't nap during the day because there's just too much to do--laundry, making bottles, picking up yesterday's mess, making supper--all of this to take care of the other members of our family and just to keep myself sane with some semblance of order, honestly. And to keep it real, Truitt really doesn't sleep all that much during the day, either.

I am coming to the realization that I was pretty spoiled with Autumn and Lawson as infants. They were what I'd term "low-maintenance." They'd be finished with a bottle within ten or fifteen minutes and you could lay them down in the crib, where they'd drift sweetly off to sleep for another five or six blissful hours. Not so with Truitt, this child of my heart. He clings to contact, falling asleep in my arms and jerking to instant alert upon being laid in the crib, demanding that I spend just a little more time holding him, even as my back aches, and my arms feel like spaghetti, and my eyes are heavy with three a.m. grit. I almost wonder if the urgency of his need isn't linked somehow to the power of my own longing for him all those months ago.

I know God is smiling at me, full of gentle good-humor when I feel like screaming in the middle of the night, "Was it really necessary for you to fill your britches right then? Couldn't you save it for, say, the five a.m feeding?" He's smiling, and in the face and form of that wriggling baby is the knowledge sent: this too shall pass. So enjoy it.


Kalei's Best Friend said...

Woah, gf... I feel for ya.. What about friends or family that can help w/the laundry, etc..?? Do u have a baby sling? I would put my 3rd one in it and vacuum, etc.. it put him to sleep easily... You definitely need some friends to help out.. Is it possible to do some of the stuff at night?

Anaise said...

Oh, how glad I am to hear from you. He is so beautiful!

I imagine you've been so busy living life that you have not been reading the blogs you usually do, so you perhaps have not read that I am going to have another baby in November!

I understand what you are going through. I really do. Julie was born unable to sleep unless she was in contact with my body in some way or another. Really. She was about 6 hours old and asleep. I put her down, her eyes opened. I picked her up, her eyes shut. Over and over this happened.

Now (years later) she is a very good sleeper.

There is hope!

And you are not alone!

Lori said...

KBF--Just bought a sling yesterday actually and that has been wonderful. He'll stay awake in it for a while and then drift off, and while there are a few things that are too awkward for me to do as far as bending and such, I can fold laundry and prepare meals and so forth. It's great. I actually have a lot of help with my husband and 12 year old daughter, too--it's just in the afternoon, after around 4 pm. And I feel super guilty if I ask my hub to wake up with him at night, because he's working and I'm not, so he has no opportunities to catch up on sleep and I'm bound to catch one or two here and there...sometime or other, lol. I think it'll get better soon. Fingers crossed. ;)

Anaise--Wow--you're right; I've been kind of stalled out here lately trying to finish up with class, my student, and just recovering from having Truitt--I haven't been able to read the blogs as I'd like to. I'm so excited for you! November...so that means you're around four months along? I'm sort of brain dead right now--my math might not be accurate. :) I can't wait to catch up on all of your stories as you wend your way through these months...I have no doubt that you will do so with so much more grace than I. Thanks for the Julie story--that's pretty funny. I'm not sure I want to know exactly how long it took her to sleep...years? Sigh...He is truly sweet, though. Love him.

PMC said...

oh my heart look at that baby.

i just love this post. you are completely exhausted, yet at peace. there is such a strength about you. i know where that strength comes from. i just love who you are!

well. you are right. this too shall pass. just keep staring at him. and smelling him. oh oh oh.

i'll pray for sleep. for baby. but really for you.

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

awwwww...I SO remember those days!!! When I had my 3rd, the sling saved my life! She loved to be held..but I still had chores and other children!!:) with my hands free I could still read to my other children and do the dishes, all while never putting my little treasure down!!:) AND yes, this shall pass...and you shall find yourself doing what you NEVER thought you would do; telling others how much you MISS the middle of the night feedings!!!:-)!!

Lori said...

Misty--thank you, girl--we need those prayers! As it happens, he has colic--how lovely. Formula has been switched, so we'll see how that goes. I appreciate that you see strength...hopefully it will raise itself up soon. :)

Debbie--if I could just figure out how to get him out of the sling once he's fallen asleep.... ;)

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